Happy Friday, world.

I miss solitude. I am too hypothetically busy to warrant going to my poetry tree and being alone. Intentional, outside, silent solitude was one of the best means that God used to be with me during my trauma at the beginning of this semester. Somewhere I could have the rims of my eyes fill with salty tears and distort the red glow of Mars in the distance, and remember the mighty power and beautiful Goodness of God. Sitting under my tree, I could feel the cool blades of grass, the rough bark of the tree, and just be. I could think, or not think, I could read, or not read. I could feel inside myself, and deal with all of my soul. Some nights I would just let my book sit there and not read more than one or two poems. The night is a poem of its own accord, if we would but sit and listen to it speak.

I read some St. Bernard today, about loving God. Good, good stuff, sounded like Edwards at times, but with a more pleasant metaphysics. Also read some Abelard. I may agree more with Abelard on some things, but I like St. Bernard a lot better. Although, one monk friend of his did write a glowing review of the last part of his life. Apparently he died somewhat holy, so perhaps he learned his lesson in the end. I do not find The Story of My Misfortune very contrite, though. I wonder what that says about his ethics. His lover justifies her actions towards him with arguments about her intent. It would be interesting to see if it works. I don't remember the nuances of his theory well enough right now to make the comparison.

Hypothetical business is a term I just coined. It's something that describes my methods of procrastination. If I have a lot of things to do (like always) I feel guilty any time I do something intentional that is not productive or working towards fulfilling that goal. I end up filling my time, then, with unintentional stalling methods. This is much worse. I actually procrastinated on my Islamic History paper yesterday by writing 7 pages of my Torrey paper, before my tutor has even seen the proposal!